Closure

I've made my life worse in the past in the pursuit of the romanticised Hollywood bullshit notion of "closure". I was engaged to a nice girl once... things ended badly, as they will from time to time. I can't say that I understand now why it ended any more than I did at the time. But, rather than just manning up and accepting it, I kept pushing her for a why. Not that I think that we were destined to be great friends following the breakup, but I made her, and certainly myself, suffer as a result.

But quite apart from that... after leaving St Augustines primary way back in 1991, and leaving a disappointingly unfinished saved computer game, I have tonight, thanks to abandonware and a decent dos emulator, finished something that was previously unfinished. And maybe that's the only closure any of us should seek these days....

Fifteen favourite vocalists

Prompted by a fellow philharmonic, my current list...

Nina Simone - Feeling good. Nothing more to say.

Jeff Buckley - I must have listened to grace on repeat for hours at a lost,
lonely time in my past.

Matt Bellamy - I was pretty late to the Muse bandwagon, but have caught up with a vengeance. Unintended... one of the loveliest love songs I know.

Kelvin Swaby - some might call him a poor man's Prince. I'd call Prince a poor man's Swaby.

Mos Def - again, behind the times, but catching up fast. Auditorium - I like that the war song has not died.

Luciano Pavarotti - None shall sleep. Proof that there will always be a niche for fat men.

Matt Berninger - Sorrow found me when I was young.... and I don't want to get over you. True that.

Elizabeth Fraser - I wish I was cool enough to tell you it was for the Cocteau Twins... it's really for Teardrop.

Bob Dylan - proof that a silk purse can be made from a sow's ear. Tangled up in blue, if you see her... He knows hurt.

Beth Gibbons - Roads. It's a fire. Silence. All mine. Deep water. Just beautiful.

Ben Gibbard - from the first time I heard Bixby Canyon Bridge, I knew I wanted to hear more... by the end of I will possess your heart.... I knew that I'd be listening for a looooonnnngggg time. And that was before Cath or What Sarah said.

Jim Morrison - before you slip into unconsciousness.... lots of nights falling asleep listening to his baritone.

Ian Anderson - Wind Up helps me to understand why some people don't believe that God loves them.

David Bowie - I still watch (and like!) Labyrinth. Sue me. My favourite housemate (wife doesn't count) of all time used to play Ziggy Stardust. I still smile and think of her when I hear it..

Johnny Cash - Hurt. And One piece at a time. The man knows how to tell a story.

It's only at this point that I realise I've forgotten Thom Yorke.... his music changed my life... i've read that he is bemused by people who say that.... it doesn't make it untrue.

Why fatigue sucks ass

It affects every part of my day - waking is hard, standing is hard, thinking is hard. Doing things that I enjoy doing is hard - doing things that I don't enjoy.... sometimes it seems insurmountable. I am comforted by the instruction that the Lord will give us no challenges that are beyond us to achieve - I am less comforted by the implicit logical conclusion - that He will push me absolutely as far as I can go. My faith is not disturbed in the wake of my diagnosis - I know that some will not understand this. It's not a matter of fair and unfair - it's that sometimes shit happens, and logically, sometimes it will happen to you. I'm just glad it's not worse - and I still pray that if there is anything bad to come to my boys that it will come on me first. The bottom line is - I know that I'm being taken care of, and that gives me peace, even on days when everything seems beyond me.

Filling in forms

At what age does this stop being fun? I remember being filled with excitement at some point in my past at the prospect of blank forms to ne completed.... maybe I was just a dull child. I'm confronted with pages of forms that need completion, and the only thing I'm filled with is despair and riding bile...

Michael J. Fox

Watching Family Ties reminds me that I find MJF almost unbearably likable. I can't think of a part that I've seen him in that was not a nice guy. I tend to admire those who choose to not let their circumstances dictate their lives. I'm glad that he stopped drinking, and that he tries to do good. I'm glad that I don't drink anymore... alcohol turns me into  a stranger, and not a pleasant one.

Dreams

I had a dream last night of people that I have not seen in a long time, but still think of very fondly. The question is - have you ever had a dream that was so familiar, that you can't tell (upon waking) whether it was a re-enactment of actual events, or just a figment of your imagination? I think that sometimes our dreams will fulfill needs of lost longing and unresolved conflicts. Or maybe it's just something to fill the hours between awake and awake...

First thought...

While walking to the kitchen to snack, my toes hurt, and it occurs to me that I've never broken a bone. Is this indicative of a life lived too cautiously? It's not that I want to break anything - though I am amazed by the body's ability to heal itself. While I have no objection to pain or physical discomfort (lucky, that) and indeed love to fight, I don't like the idea of a breakage interfering with actually doing anything useful, like typing or playing Assassin's Creed 2. And I should clarify, that while I love fighting (wrestling - not boxing), like most other competitive endeavours, I enjoy it more when I'm winning than when I am not. I know that there is something to be learned from every losing experience, but it tends to circulate around "this isn't fun, let's not get here again". Watching Boston Legal repeats - makes me think that I should try and get a law degree one day - would then my powers of disputation be unstoppable? Probably not... but it'd be fun.